(Everything following the | is GPT-3.)
The following is a conversation where Rick convinces Morty to open an HSA account. Morty is at first resistant to the idea, but eventually caves, because HSA’s are actually a powerful investment vehicle.
[Open to Morty’s room]
Rick: (stumbles in drunkenly, and turns on the lights) Morty! You gotta come on. You got–… you gotta come with me.|
Morty: (rubs his eyes) What, Rick? What’s going on?
Rick: Listen, Morty. I want to talk to you about HSA’s. Have you ever heard of HSA’s?
Morty: HSA’s, yeah. They’re good, right? (his voice becomes increasingly sarcastic as he asks the question)
Rick: Uh-huh. They’re very good. It stands for “Health Savings Accounts”.
Morty: Right. Health… savings.
Rick: Now you open up an HSA, and you deposit money into it. And then when you’re old and retired, you can use that money to pay for medical expenses, in a pinch.
Morty: What are you talking about, Rick?
Rick: Now you’re 14, you can open one up, Morty. You’re old enough. You can have one.
Morty: (sighs) Why do I need one, Rick?
Rick: Well, think about it, Morty. It’s got a few names, but it’s really a special kind of… retirement account, Morty.
Morty: Well, it doesn’t matter what it is. Why do I need one?
Rick: Well, Morty, someday you’ll be old and retired and you’ll need your money. So you can’t lose it to the government, Morty. Or spend it. And if you can afford it, you have to buy a whole life insurance policy.
Morty: What the hell are you talking about, Rick?
Rick: Yeah, but it costs a lot to have a whole life policy, Morty. Like, maybe 15% of your salary. And if you’re really strapped for cash, then they’ll let you buy it for a dollar, but you’re still kinda charged 12% a year.
Morty: Jesus Christ, Rick. Just tell me what I need to know.
Rick: Okay, Morty. Okay. Now, you got health insurance, right?
Morty: (reluctantly) Uh, yep.
Rick: Now you got… medicare, right?
Morty: (again, reluctantly) Uh, yeah.
Rick: Now, you got life insurance…
Morty: Just tell me what you’re trying to say, Rick.
Rick: You got… life insurance, Morty.
Morty: That I have to pay for?
Rick: Uh-huh.
Morty: Jesus. That’s… You know what? That’s enough for today.
Rick: But think about it, Morty. If you were investing that money–( Morty cuts him off and exits the room )
[Cut to Morty’s room. Morty is typing on his laptop]
Rick: … and you were allowed to keep a little of that money to spend on what you wanted, Morty…
Morty: (rolls his eyes and sighs) Fuck off, Rick.
Rick: …instead of giving it all to the government to spend on social security and medicare, then you’d be on the way to having a lot of money, Morty.
Morty: Oh, yeah?
Rick: If you could have invested 15% of your 15,000 in your retirement accounts for 20 years…
Morty: I wouldn’t have 15,000, Rick! I’d have like–
Rick: Okay, Morty. Let’s say you had 10,000. If you could have invested 15% of your 10,000 in your retirement accounts for 20 years…
Morty: What are you, my financial advisor, Rick? Why are you telling me all this?
Rick: And if you could have done it on top of a whole life policy that you bought for a dollar, then you’d have 500,000!
Morty: You are my financial advisor, aren’t you?
Rick: I’m not a financial advisor, Morty. I’m your grandpa.
Morty: Oh, so what are you, then? What do you do?
Rick: I’m a genius, Morty. I’m a goddamn genius.
